March 24, 2017

May 25, 2012

Iran: Christianity is Finished (UPDATED)

Didn’t know whether to file this under “Bible,” “Humor,” or “Mental Illness.” Seems the Iranians think they’ve got a nucular weapon that’s going to blow Christianity to smithereens. The Daily Mail of the U.K. reports:

A leather-bound religious text, thought to date from the fifth century but discovered only 12 years ago, will cause the collapse of Christianity worldwide, claims Iran.

The book, written on animal hide, apparently states that Jesus was never crucified and that he himself predicted the coming of the Prophet Muhammad, according to the the Iranian press.

Nope, Jesus was never crucified. He disappeared after the Jerusalem unpleasantness, moved to Tibet and did the whole guru thing for awhile. Headed to the New World where He met some Jewish people who looked just like Indians. He later left His home in Tuscon, Arizona for some California grass, which He later shared with a bunch of Iranian mullahs.

And yes, He did predict the coming of Muhammad. He also predicted the coming of the Spanish Inquisition (even though no one expects it); the discovery of America by the famous Lithuanian explorer Ish Kabibble, the writing of the “Protocols of the Elders of Zion” by Thomas Jefferson, and the victory of the Chicago Cubs over the Bad News Bears in the 1998 World Series.

Written in Syriac, a dialect of Aramaic, the gospel even predicts the coming of the last Islamic messiah, the report adds.

Turkish authorities believe it could be an authentic version of the Gospel by Jesus’s disciple Barnabas…

A fifth century text written by a man who lived in the first century? Who’d have thought it possible? But maybe he wrote it in a Turkish bath. Anything came happen in one of those.

...and the Iranian press report has claimed that its contents will trigger Christianity’s downfall by proving that Islam is the final and righteous religion.

I know I’m all ready to throw in the towel and swim the…whatever river you swim to go to Mecca.

The Basij Press claims the text was written in the 5th or 6th century and it predicted the coming of the Prophet Muhammad and the religion of Islam. It says the Christian world denies the existence of such a gospel.

Basij claims that Chapter 41 of the Gospel reads: ‘God has hidden himself as Archangel Michael ran them (Adam and Eve) out of heaven, (and) when Adam turned, he noticed that at top of the gateway to heaven, it was written “La elah ela Allah, Mohamad rasool Allah”,’ meaning Allah is the only God and Mohammad his prophet.

And in Chapter 26, it says very explicitly that “Reeferroon, pest Ife-a und Edem’s, frum sverfe-a ooff shure-a tu bend ooff bey, breengs us by a cummudeeoos feecoos ooff recurcooleshun beck tu Hoot Cestle-a und Infuruns. Bork Bork Bork!” Iranian scholars are baffled as to how this line—which is the first sentence of James Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake rendered through a Swedish Chef translator program—could possibly show up in a text so old. But they’re working on it.

Jesus, when informed of this discovery, is reported to have demanded that this YouTube video be used as His response:

UPDATE: It has now been reported by Turkish taffy authorities that Chapter 17 of the Gospel of Barnabas, the shortest in the book, reads in its entirety:


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Maybe you swim the Tigris? Or the Euphrates?

[1] Posted by Nellie on 5-25-2012 at 03:14 PM · [top]

The Basij Press claims the text was written in the 5th or 6th century and it predicted the coming of the Prophet Muhammad.

About the same time Muhammad showed up, eh?

[2] Posted by Festivus on 5-25-2012 at 03:16 PM · [top]

I’m sure they’ll allow as much scrutiny of the text as they have their nuclear program.

Mohammed got his ideas from Arian heretics and now they’re promoting the same type of crap.  Not much changes in 1400 years.

[3] Posted by Bill2 on 5-25-2012 at 04:01 PM · [top]

Who mistakenly substituted the promo video for GC2012?

[4] Posted by Daniel on 5-25-2012 at 06:47 PM · [top]

Jesus couldn’t have gone to California until it was established by the Califs.

[5] Posted by paradoxymoron on 5-25-2012 at 08:08 PM · [top]

That can’t be right. The Califs were in Baghdad.

[6] Posted by David Fischler on 5-25-2012 at 09:04 PM · [top]

Didn’t know whether to file this under “Bible,” “Humor,” or “Mental Illness.”

I think “Bible” is absolutely out.  Either of the others works but if you had to choose only one I’d definately go with “mental illness.”

I read this first through another source with serious curiosity, but I quickly realized it was a farce.  The best part was the story about the inscription over the gate to the Garden of Eden.  Muslim’s seem to be easily fooled…but that is, in part, what makes them so dangerous.

[7] Posted by Nikolaus on 5-26-2012 at 09:23 AM · [top]

Hasn’t the diocese of Eastern Oregon put forward a resolution for GC12 to adopt this newly discovered book into the canon of Scripture of TEC, along with KJS’ Cessna maintenance manual, the gnostic gospels and the purported writings of Pelagius?

[8] Posted by tjmcmahon on 5-26-2012 at 10:57 AM · [top]

From the video above, it would appear that the PB is on board.

[9] Posted by Ralph on 5-26-2012 at 12:34 PM · [top]

Mr. Fischler,

An interesting artice, despite one small historical error. Ish Kabibble was not, as you claim, a Lithuanian explorer. But then, if you know any Yiddish, you can always reply “nisht gefildt.”


Pax et bonum,
Keith Töpfer (old enough to remember seeing Ish Kabibble in old movies on TV)

[10] Posted by Militaris Artifex on 5-26-2012 at 01:40 PM · [top]

One small historical error? LOL!

[11] Posted by David Fischler on 5-26-2012 at 08:27 PM · [top]

I believe one swims the Red Sea to get the Mecca.

[12] Posted by Ecclesiastes 1:18 on 5-28-2012 at 07:25 AM · [top]

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