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So you’re about to head to the polls—unless you’ve gone there already—and you just can’t figure out what to do. Everyone on the ballot is problematical. A lot of them have sinned already or said things you can’t possibly agree with. Also, in the most modest terms possible, you want it all. Literally, All of It.* The perfect candidate. The perfect party. The perfect life. All the pursuit of happiness that you’re definitely owed by God or the Constitution or somebody. A cohesive high trust society. Clean food and energy. Equity. And most of all, Love. But also, Water and Science and Kindness.

Well, I’m here to help. Here are ten important things** to consider as you head to your local polling station:

One—You can’t have it all, sorry. In fact, you can have very little of it, if any.

Two—If you want a family and satisfying relationships, you can’t move and have your dream life. You also can’t put yourself first in every single situation. You definitely can’t have self-care because you’re going to have to stop buying a lot of stuff and start spending all your time and money caring for others.

Three—If you want happy, mentally healthy children, you’re going to have to become a completely different society almost immediately. Like yesterday.

Four—If you want women’s empowerment, you have to give up having weak men. You’re going to have to have strong men who have real opinions about things, who won’t just do all the stuff you want them to do, the moment you want them to do it.

Five—If you want the Tolerance of yesteryear, you’re going to have to bite the bullet and become an actual Christian because the foundation of a liberal and tolerant society that includes women’s empowerment is Penal Substitutionary Atonement, the Forgiveness of Sins, Reconciliation of the Sinner to God, belief in the historicity and veracity of the Bible, and the ability to read texts without being obtuse about it and trying to change the meanings of all the words.

Six—If you want a candidate who is honorable and virtuous, you’re going to have to agree to put metal slides back in the playgrounds and get rid of almost all the technology we currently enjoy.

Seven—If you don’t want Trump, you’re going to have to get rid of the “Democratic” Industrial Complex before he has time to run again. Hard, I know, but what choice do you have?

Eight—If you want to be happy, you’re going to have to, again, bite the bullet and become a Christian. See above.

Nine—If you don’t want people to talk about things like “blood and soil” you’re going to have to really actually mean it when you talk about “intentional community” and “place.” That is, you’re going to have to stop tearing down churches that are preaching the gospel for real and accept that some Christians, however embarrassing they may be, actually are doing the hard work of rebuilding the crumbling spiritual structures of the West. Part of this hard work is not belittling people who are poorer and less classy than you, who like to eat in chain restaurants and shop in box stores. The thing is, they don’t really like those things any more than you do. But you sold all their distinctive down the river and to China. You took their little shops and restaurants and then made fun of them for going to Walmart. And they trusted you, because, like you, they wanted to be rich. So they were foolish. But so were you, because you despised them. So anyway, of course it doesn’t matter how they vote, or how you vote. Nothing matters anymore except the long cold forthcoming.

Ten—If you want to burn it all down, well, Congratulations! We will almost certainly all get to have this final option.

Have a great day!

*Whatever “It” even is.

**”Things” is a technical theological word the meaning of which I think we are all excessively familiar.

Photo by Element5 Digital on Unsplash

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